Seriously, I've been having these issues connecting to our internet, and I'm pretty sure it's my computer having the issues. NO ONE IS HOME and I'm still having troubles. This thing is 2 years old and I spent all of my $1200 on, mostly, it's touch screen technology. I'm not the brightest when it comes to computer shopping. At this point I'm really getting fed up with having to try and reconnect hour after hour and interrupting pretty much anything I'm doing, especially Skype calling my boyfriend.
It's a piece of junky crap and I need a new one.
It's not just that either. I've just been feeling very frustrated with things going on nowadays. I'm not really one to share personal stuff out on the internet with strangers, but I just need a vent of some kind before I blow my top and get emotional on the people around me.
Somehow people seem to find it so damn easy to figure out what they want to do with their lives. I just seem to be stuck in this depressed, angry, angsty loop of unknown and unmotivated ponderings, or more like worries. I can't stop obsessing over things that bother me, and it sucks because that's part of my disorder and I don't know a way to fix it. I get stuck depending on other people for aid but I either can't figure out how to ask the right questions or I find myself questioning whether or not the help they can provide me is what I really need, because, well, other people around me question why they said "I should do this" or whatnot. Just that constant pressure of trying to figure out what's better for me, when even I don't know what's good for me. When I don't know what I want. When I'm stuck trying to work through emotions that no one seems to help me get through entirely because I can't let them go, or I can't let them help me out of fear of other people's opinions of their help, or offending someone, or god knows what.
Seriously, I'm a 20 year old girl still trying to figure out what she wants out of life. I tried working, I tried going to college, but those things went horribly for me (doesn't help that I tried doing them at the same time) and it seems like the public services that try to help me are getting fed up with my "lack of motivation."
I can't exactly multitask very easily, and especially not mentally. I can only focus on one thing at a time, and I process things at a different pace than most people, be it slower or faster or just in a weird train of thought that isn't usually used to arrive at the "destination" of the thought process, so to speak.
Yeah, my head's kind of a mess right now...it's been that way for awhile and I usually try to preoccupy my mind with something else so that I can cope and not have to think about it until I feel ready to, but the issues at hand just keep getting more and more demanding, and I feel more and more like I HAVE to provide an answer other than "I don't know." No one is verbally, outright saying that they want a response, but I keep feeling this tension in the air, this pressure that time is ticking down and I need to know what to do when the time comes (though maybe I'm just imagining it.)
Look, anyone is free to read this, give input, or be a dick of a troll and talk trash to me about this; whatever.
I depended HEAVILY on my mother to take care of these kinds of things and she just vanished from my life 2 years ago; the anniversary having been the 16th of November. You try learning how to deal with that loss.